Breaking from Illusion
by Memai
Summary: (Songfic to 2 Evanescence songs.) When Kurt wished for death, no recoil from his better judgment had stopped him. The wish simply lodged in his throat and hung on, silencing Kurt. Frankly, it scared him.


            **The song: The song in this part of the fic is "Whisper", by Evanescence. To give you an idea of what it's like, it's hard rock and has a dramatic sound to it. ((You've probably heard Evanescence's song "Bring Me to Life," and that's what I mean by a dramatic sound.)) If you would like to listen to a bit of the song, you can at the band's website: .**

**The fic: This fic was mainly to practice writing angst, and vaguely a bit of romance. Plus, I love Kurt. He rawx. ^.^**

»˚«

"I'm gonna fail," Kurt muttered dully. "It's zat simple."

            "No you're not, Kurt…just keep at it," Rogue repeated for about the seventh time that day. "You'll get it."

            "No I von't."

            "Yes you will." Rogue shoved the notebook back into Kurt's arms. "Read it again," she demanded. 

            Kurt just stared at the book and sighed, exasperated. "Rogue, zere's just too much of zis stuff!"

            "Hey, hey! It's just memorization…you can get it.  It's easy."

            "I can't retain zis crap!" he assured. Why couldn't she just understand that?

            The stress showed itself plainly on Kurt's face, and Rogue began to worry. After all, it was just a test! 

"Don't worry about it so much. Relax," she said with a small smile. 

            Kurt sulked and responded with a small grunt.

            "Hey…you've been really down lately," said Rogue, resting a comforting hand on Kurt's shoulder.

            "I'm fine, Rogue, I'm just vorried about zee test."

            "No, you've been like this for longer than today. Yesterday you wouldn't even go skateboarding with Evan. Oh—and Saturday you were sulking _all day."_

            "I'm _fine, Rogue. Don't vorry about it."_

            "…Are you sure you're okay?" 

            "Dude, just _lay off_! It's not like _you're never like zis!" Kurt exploded, stomping off._

            "Well fine!" Rogue yelled after him, soon recovering from the shock. "If you wanna be an ass then go ahead! Just don't take it out on _me!_

            Kurt winced as she said this. She was right; he _was_ being an ass. He knew he shouldn't have done that, but he couldn't help it. It just sort of happened. Kurt shook his head and walked on, despite the burning want to go apologize to Rogue. He snickered; she wouldn't forgive him anyway. The stupid pangs of guilt would just have to fade over time.

            "Kurt!" Rogue hissed, suddenly coming up behind him. "Your watch is on the fritz…your tail is showing!"

            Kurt jumped a bit—why now? 

Since it was morning the halls were thick with students; there was no way he could teleport out without being seen. Panicking, Kurt took off down the hallway, ignoring the stares of students puzzled by his hurry. 

            _Vhy? Kurt screamed inside his head. __Vhy does zis have to happen to me?_

Kurt turned a corner and breathed a small sigh of relief—no one was there, save a few people with their backs turned to him. Thinking fast, he dove into a nearby broom closet and slammed the door behind him. He stopped to listen for a moment, quieting his heavy breathing. He heard no footsteps; no one had seen him. Or if they did, they didn't 

care.

_((Catch me as I fall))_

_((Say you're here and it's all over now.))_

            Kurt sat and leaned against the wall of the little room and sighed. He hated having to hide like this. _Hated _it. Every day he thought of it at least once…would his watch malfunction? What would happen if people found out what he _really _looked like…what if people found out that he was a _freak_? He snickered; it didn't matter. The people that really meant something to him already knew that.

_((Speaking to the atmosphere))_

_((No one's here and I fall into myself))_

            He held up his hands and looked at them. The darkness attempted to hide them, but their peachy color made them barely visible. They were normal hands, but they weren't his hands. They were fake, just like him. He hid beneath these hands seeking comfort. Seeking a new life. All he got was a cover-up—he would never escape who he was, and he would always have to live this way. He was trapped in his own skin, and the cover-up couldn't help. 

_((This truth drives me into madness))_

            Kurt pressed a button on his watch, and in an instant he was back in his own demon skin. He watched as the peachy hands turned into his own blue fur again and vanished in the close darkness of the broom closet. He was himself again; not fake anymore. And he would never be again…he was through with that. Hiding didn't have a purpose anymore.

            He couldn't believe how long it had taken him to realize that he wasn't as accepted by his friends as he thought he was. He couldn't believe how blind he had been. Little by little his eyes had opened that past month. Once they opened, Kurt never wished they had. He saw that his 'friends' had set him apart…they didn't see him the same way as they saw one another. He was different, and so he was treated differently. They must have thought that his jovial smile and bouncy attitude meant he was oblivious to the pain they had caused them.

_((I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away))_

_((...If I will it all away.))_

            It didn't. Not _nearly_.

            His heart was much more brittle than they knew. So many things they overlooked, thinking he would overlook them too. They didn't take his feelings seriously; all because of his demon skin. All because of his difference. All because he covered it all up with a smile. Either that or they simply didn't care. Kurt didn't favor either choice.

_((Don't turn away))_

_(Don't give in to the pain)_

_((Don't try to hide))_

_(Though they're screaming your name)_

_((Don't close your eyes))_

_(God knows what lies behind them)_

            Suddenly he remembered that he didn't have to sit there; he could teleport out whenever he wanted since he was alone. But for some reason, he really didn't want to. He didn't want to go back to face Rogue, Evan, the Professor…anybody. _Especially Kitty and Lance. Every time he saw them Lance was hopelessly flirting with Kitty, and as if that wasn't enough to drive him insane, she was actually humoring him. Even enjoying it._

            _She never even humors me, Kurt thought. He shook his head; he was over that. He had accepted it along with everything else. The only problem was he couldn't get used to living in the nightmare life had handed him, no matter how long he had lived in it._

_((Don't turn out the light))_

_(Never sleep never die.)_

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Kurt awoke as dusk was setting over the town, closing his eyes quickly after meeting the burning line on the horizon. He turned and groaned, and coming to his senses remembered that he was on the mansion's roof. After recovering from a bit of shock due to the quick passage of the day, Kurt flipped through his memory and quickly revived his needed recollections. After much time in the quiet of the broom closet, Kurt had finally teleported back to the mansion and skipped the rest of school. He had sat brooding on the roof for a while, and judging by his current situation he had fallen asleep.

            Well, at least he had escaped it all, if only for a while. For that handful of hours there was no Evan "forgetting" to remind him about skating, no Rogue to call him an ass and hate him, no Brotherhood to bother him, no parents to write him continuously infrequent letters, no Kitty to ignore him, no Mystique to pretend to love him, no Logan to disapprove of him…and no one to hide from. No one to see him as a monster.

_((I'm frightened by what I see))_

_((But somehow I know that there's much more to come))_

            The last bit of sun seemed to laugh at Kurt as it disappeared. He had lived out the entire day; in reality, he hadn't escaped a thing. Now that the day was gone, he would have to live through another. And perhaps another after that.

            "Vhy couldn't I have just fallen off?" Kurt muttered, glancing at the ground far beneath him. He almost stopped breathing for a moment.

            _…Did I just say zat?_

_((Immobilized by my fear))_

_((And soon to be blinded by tears))_

            Every other moment of stress, pain, suffering…had been incredibly minor. Every time you just didn't want to go on, you never really stopped to think you _did want to go on because there was so much good in your life. You never stopped to think that if you died right then you would be utterly disappointed. In those instances, the most your mind could ever muster was a fragment of disagreement with yourself. The most you'd ever think was along the lines of: "Yeah, right. I don't wanna die—I just want this out of the way!" You'd go back to whatever you were doing or experiencing, and you'd live it out. Sooner or later, you'd be happy again because of all that good in your life you didn't stop to think about because you were too spoiled to be thankful for it or to really, truly appreciate it. _

_((I can stop the pain if I will it all away))_

_((…If I will it all away.))_

            All of that good was the reason that all of those requests for death were fake…merely sudden whims tossed out carelessly and without a thought. You knew you weren't serious, no matter how much pain or stress you were going through. 

            When Kurt let his wish for death roll off of his tongue, it had been different. He felt it in the pit of his stomach and it hit him in a way that made him shiver and made his muscles ache with fear. He hugged his knees to his chest in a futile attempt to stop the feeling. That's all he wanted—to shut out feeling. All of it. When Kurt had said it, no recoil from his better judgment had been sent to cancel out the death wish. It simply hung in his throat and held on for dear life, silencing Kurt.

            Frankly, it scared him.

_((Don't turn away))_

_(Don't give in to the pain)_

_((Don't try to hide))_

_(Though they're screaming your name)_

            The soft clicking of feminine shoes on the pavement caught Kurt's attention for a moment. Wanting desperately to divert his thoughts, he peeked over the edge of the roof just in time to see Kitty walk out of the front door and down the steps, ponytail bobbing behind her. He felt the unavoidable urge to go down and talk to her, even if only for a little bit. If he was to get comfort, she could certainly give it to him…right?

            Wrong.

_((Don't close your eyes))_

_(God knows what lies behind them)_

_((Don't turn out the light))_

_(Never sleep never die.)_

            Why would she want to talk to him? _She _had always seen him as a monster, just like the others; except for she was never afraid to show it. Kurt watched her as she bounced a bit in her last step, her shoes clicking a bit louder on the walkway. She looked so innocent and kind…and happy. So happy. She was always full of such bright, radiant spirit that always made him smile…even if she hated him. He looked at her again…how could that be true? Certainly he could be wrong about this. She couldn't hate him, could she? A small flame of hope flickered within Kurt. Maybe at least _she liked him…yes, he had to be wrong. Kurt managed a hopeful smile and teleported to the ground._

_((Fallen angels at my feet))_

            _Please let me be vrong about her…_

In a second Kurt found himself a few feet away from Kitty.

            "Hello, Katzchen!" Kurt greeted, calling her affectionately by the nickname he had given her. "Vere are you going?"

            Kitty jumped a bit and swerved around. "Oh! Kurt, like, don't scare me like that!"

            "Um—er, sorry, Kitty! I, erm, didn't mean to—" Kurt stuttered, suddenly feeling more self-conscious than usual. 

_((Whispered voices at my ear))_

            "Don't worry about it, Kurt," Kitty said, looking a bit annoyed.

            "Ya, vell sorry." He paused. "Anyvay, vere are you going at zis hour?"

            Kitty chuckled. "Kurt, it's, like, still early! You been livin' under a rock or something?"

            "No…" Kurt blushed under his fur and shoved his hands into his pockets.

            "Anyway, I'm going to see Lance," she paused. "But, like, don't tell anyone, ok? You know how they'll hate it…"

            Kurt's eyes widened, but he didn't know why he was surprised. _Lance? "Oh, Lance," he managed to stutter. "Don't vorry, I von't tell. Promise. So, I guess you two are going out now, eh?"_

            "Yeah."

_((Death before my eyes))_

_((Lying next to me I fear))_

            Kurt's tail sagged a bit and his heart fell, dragging his body down with it. His nightmare of a life was finding ways to torment him even more. Suddenly the comfort Kurt sought from Kitty became unreachable. He felt trapped with no way out.

            "Well, I'd better get going," Kitty said, turning.

_((She beckons me; shall I give in?))_

_((Upon my end shall I begin))_

            "I'll miss you," Kurt said absentmindedly. _What the heck was that supposed to mean?_

Kitty gave him an odd look. "What?

_((Forsaking all I've fallen for…))_

_((…I rise to meet the end.))_

            "Nothing." Kurt shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and felt more trapped than ever. Kitty turned and left without a goodbye, and the little flame of hope inside Kurt died and left him alone in the dark.

_((Don't turn away))_

_(Don't give into the pain)_

_((Don't try to hide))_

_(Though they're screaming your name)_

_((Don't close your eyes))_

_(God knows what lies behind them)_

_((Don't turn out the light))_

This time, being alone was more permanent. Kurt began to walk back towards the mansion, dragging his feet as his demon skin became absorbed by the night air. 

_(Never sleep, never die.)_

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Waddaya think? Please review and tell me. Both good and bad reviews are helpful, but NOT flames. Constructive criticism is **much appreciated. I'd like to know if you think I'm achieving an angsty mood, and if this evoked any emotion, etc. Thanks so much! Oh, also, was the story boring? ^.^ Newayz, expect the 2nd (and final) chapter soon…specifically, after I post the next chapter in my Harry Potter fanfic, Silver.**

☼- -Memai- -☼


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